Some moments in queer history are universally remembered. Moments like Jodie Foster’s Best Actress acceptance speech or Frank Ocean's heartfelt Tumblr post. These events have one common denominator — they are about “coming out.” The act of declaring to the world, “I’m not straight!” was part of the LGBTQ+ experience since queer people gained visibility. Despite its historic pervasiveness, the tide is changing on this modern ritual; Gen Z treats sexuality differently. Here's why the death of “coming out” might be for the best.
Coming out changed a lot since its conception. In the early 20th century, gay men coined the term to describe entering gay society. The Stonewall riots of the ‘70s gave it a more political meaning, equating coming out with leaving the "closet" and rejecting shame. In the '90s and 2000s, it became a rite of passage for LGBTQ+ individuals. Coming out was an important part of queer history, but not anymore. What once represented defiance is now a method of assimilation.
In 2021, singer Billie Eilish faced backlash for a music video she posted with sapphic themes. She was accused of “queerbaiting.” The term was initially used to criticize characters written with ambiguously queer relationships. While its original definition is valid, it’s become a problematic term for real people who feign queerness to gain popularity. Two years after the queerbaiting controversy, Eilish casually remarked on her attraction to women in a Vanity Fair interview. Then came her album “Hit Me Hard and Soft,” filled with unabashedly queer songs.
When discussing the public shock at her “new” sexuality, Eilish commented on the surprise she received.
“Wasn’t it obvious? I didn’t realize people didn’t know. I just don’t believe in it (coming out). I’m just like, ‘Why can’t we just exist?’ I’ve been doing this for a long time, and I just didn’t talk about it. Whoops,” Eilish said.
In a similar case, Kit O’Conner of the hit Netflix show Heartstopper was forced “out of the closet” due to queerbaiting accusations. Social media harassment about Conner capitalizing off queerness prompted the actor to come out as bisexual. This problematic discourse around sexuality is directly because of “coming out.” Some feel they are owed an explanation as to why someone expresses queerness. In a world where there is no expectation to come out, there is no invasive speculation or “queerbaiting.” LGBTQ+ people can express love without having to give warning.
The need for queer people to self-report is othering. Only LGBTQ+ people are expected to clarify their identity which makes heterosexuality the societal default. By simply living authentically, Gen Z changed that perspective. Nearly a third of Gen Z adults in the United States identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer, which is far more than previous generations. Online and offline, queer spaces are everywhere. Accepting environments and attitudes make coming out simply unnecessary.
Family may make the concept of coming out (more specifically the preliminary point of being “in the closet”) necessary for one's own safety. However, as more parents begin raising children in compassionate and inclusive households, being “out” or “in” becomes irrelevant.
Pressure to make a dramatic or public coming-out statement can be overwhelming. Moving away from this expectation allows people to express their identity in ways that feel comfortable for them. Some may prefer not to make a formal statement, choosing instead to disclose their identity on their terms. Every queer person has the right to decide when and how to express themselves, based on their personal preferences and safety.
In our ever-changing world, the spectrum of gender and sexual identities is vast. Who needs labels anyway? Gender and sexuality are fluid. The idea of “coming out” makes them seem like unchanging, rigid categories. Our identities aren't stagnant. They may evolve as we do, in our lifelong journey of self-discovery. Moving beyond a singular “coming out moment” encourages ongoing conversation about identity and creates a more nuanced understanding of LGBTQ+ experiences and perspectives.
Coming out was once important and necessary to the LGBTQ+ community. It symbolized self-acceptance and resistance. While we can acknowledge its historical impact, it’s time to leave the ritual behind. We regard gender and identity as a constantly changing and evolving spectrum. Straight is no longer the default. Therefore, the need to come out and stick with a specific label forever is obsolete. Individuals can present their true selves without adhering to a “coming out” narrative. Queer people don’t need to come out, we were never in.
